Friday, June 12, 2009

Flashback Friday

My little li-li!


Uhh, these pictures still break my heart a little. I just recently read a post by a blogger who spoke of her preemies and the guilt that mom's feels related to their children being born early. It reminded me of how I felt when I would go to the NICU and watch my little boy Eli as he "pulled" to get air. Pulling is when you see them pull in for a simple breath with such force that their little bellies puff out and then pull in dramatically so that their ribs are exposed. It is the most difficult thing for a mother to watch. I cried so hard the first time I sat down next to that isolette unable to touch my baby afraid that it would cause him to get too worked up which would result in his sats dropping. I felt such guilt at not being able to keep him inside me longer, not being able to help him breathe, not being able to give him the nutrients he continued to need and instead watched him receive through a tube. So impersonal, so hard, so cold, so unnatural. It still is a bit hard to talk about without getting emotional.

I now know that God had a plan for my boys and he wanted them here in this world on April 18th not in July like Daddy and I planned for and desired. Preemie mom guilt is a very real thing and one that I can honestly say that I am, thankfully, passed. I do know, however, that as you watch them sit up for the first time, you breathe a sigh of relief, first step, another sigh, their first words, breathe a sigh and on and on it goes. The guilt is relieved a little at a time but for some there are no first steps, no first words. There are disabilities and delays and speech issues, etc., etc., giving way to more guilt and in these cases I imagine it is more difficult to move passed it all. To those, I do not pretend to know what that is like but I do know that God has a plan.

Having had preemies born at 27 weeks and in the NICU for up to 3 months I appreciate A LOT of the day to day grind and for that I am thankful. I stop and watch the little things that they say and do. I tend to give Jared a run down of it all at the end of the day. It all may be mundane to other parents, I don't know I only know how it is to have my little survivors, but to us they are monuments on a daily basis of God's love and protection over our boys and ourselves. Obviously Eli got over needing that help with the oxygen but he still has his battles with his breathing as does his brother. I still get freaked out when I see him pulling and needing to take a trip to our ER, like last week at this time, BUT I take it a day at a time.

We still don't know what implications there will continue to be for our former preemies. They may have learning disabilities, breathing issues and other setbacks, that even full-term babies have, but I do know that my God, my Heavenly Father, has a plan! He will guide us and lead us on this path that he put us on and there is strength and comfort in that.

110 comments:

mommytoalot said...

Gorgeous pictures. What a fantastic post. I can not imagine what you have gone through, I do know a few moms in our group (i run a support group for moms with children who have special needs) who have had preemies.
May I share this post with them?
Lisa

...Mrs. Southern Bride... said...

Wow...what a touching post! :)

monica said...

Beautiful pictures! What a touching story to go along with it. I can't imagne the pain and the love that your were feeling. But what wonderful boys you have now!

Stephanie said...

You guys are amazing! The love that you have for your boys is a beautiful thing. Children are such a wonderful blessing! Praise God that He trust us with his miracles. They bless me each day!

John Deere Mom said...

Wow...what a great post. I had no idea how guilty a mom can feel for having a preemie. Thanks for sharing your experience!

Liz said...

Your timing is impeccable. I was just rehashing some guilt over their speech delays yesterday. It really never ends--lessens-- but never ends if you have to see them struggle. You are right on!

AB HOME INTERIORS said...

Awww. Great post. Popping in from SITS

m&nmom04 said...

This is such a great post! You hear all the time about other sorts of guilt a mom has (like not being able to breastfeed or having to have a C-section), but having to have a preemie isnt talked about as much. Thanks for sharing your heart! I too am reminded often of how blessed we were with our twins health being born early, especially when I hear so often of other babies that are born full-term facing serious health problems. Thanks for the reminder of the blessing of each day of life with our babies!

Mommy of Many said...

Your boys are so cute. Your beautiful post took me back to my twins NICU days. Thanks for reminding me of how awesome God is. I think its a great idea to revisit the miracles that God has performed in our lives. Thanks for stopping by my blog.

Future Mama said...

Wow, what a story. I'm so glad your beautiful twin boys pulled though. You have a beautiful family and are so blessed with that!

I found you via SITS by the way! I think I may stalk your blog now! :)

Debbie said...

Oh, that mother guilt! It gets all of us, doesn't it? I am so glad your little guys are doing well and will pray that they don't have any huge hurdles in their paths.

Brandy said...

wow, thank you for sharing that! I am not a mother, but I've never really considered how mamas of premies might feel guilty. It's amazing though to have enough faith in God to realize that this is His plan, and although we can't always see it at the time His plan is more than sufficient.

Your boys are beautiful.

Stopping by via SITS! Have a blessed Sunday!!

The BlogRollers said...

How absolutely beautiful and what a touching story. They are here with you so God's plan is already at work! Good on you to have so much faith! Stopping by from SITS

~Christie (The ChatterBox)

aforestfrolic said...

Oh, you just brought tears to my eyes...what sweet boys! 'Happy Sits Sharefest' too!

Jamie :)

Chocolate Lover said...

Can't even imagine what that must have been like for you guys. Your boys are beautiful

cat said...

Lovely post Becky! Believe me, even moms of "full term" (37 weeks) twins feel some form of guilt at them being twin, having lower immunity than their singleton sister. Being sick more. Having asthma and low muscle tone. Feeling guilty for no reason at all is just classic mommy behavior, You are not alone!

Helen McGinn said...

Lovely pics Becky; my twins were preemies too but only by 5 weeks which in comparison is nothing. I'm so glad everything turned out well. xx

Karen said...

After going through the tough beginning with your preemies no wonder you treasure every precious moment and little thing they accomplish. I can certainly understand why. Sounds like you have great faith which will see you through everything.

Yaya said...

You are very blessed!

Cairo Typ0 said...

Here from SITS. What an incredibly touching post. Your kids are gorgeous. :)

Fruitful Vine2 said...

Amen! God does have a plan and I love your attitude about it.

Sonja, Queen of Crafts said...

I totally sympathise with you there. Whether it is twins or not, I think mothers always feel guilty if for any reason (usually out of our control) their children require neonatal care. I certainly did with my full-term daughter even though there was nothing seriously wrong aside from a high bloodsugar level.

Elizabeth said...

Wow, I can't even imagine for you what that must be like. Thank you for sharing what it's like in your shoes!

Tania @ Larger Family Life said...

Beautiful babies and beautiful post.

LZ @ My Messy Paradise said...

Gorgeous photos, and gorgeous babies!

leigh said...

What a great post. Happy SITS day! You have a lovely Blog here, I love what you've done with the place!

Leigh

Sandy said...

Beautiful post, very emotional. I was not aware of premie-moms' guilt. Thanks for sharing. I'm glad they are doing well.

Joy said...

I'd never heard of preemie guilt before. Thanks for sharing this information and your experience.

Congrats on your SITS day.

Astrid said...

Those are really beautiful photos!

I can only imagine what it must be like to have a premie. I'm guessing it's terrifying! Thanks for sharing your story.

Happy SITS day!

Just Playin' said...

Thanks for making me aware of Premie Mommy Guilt. I've never heard of it and want to be sensitive about it in the future. Your boys are precious. They will probably always do things on their own time!

One Crazy Working Mommy! said...

Beautiful posts. I understand as my my one was 6 weeks early and that was a total surprise and scary. But as you said it goes in Gods hands at that point. I do believe in staying positive and keeping life simply (just like you). Because if you sweat the small stuff that can just drive a mommy crazy. Great blog. Oh and I am stopping by from SITS.

Christine said...

You know, I had never looked at it that way...when babies are born premature how a mom could feel guilty for that. It makes complete sense though, since we feel guilty for many things that are out of our control.
Many blessings to you and your family!

{leah} said...

My youngest was a premie, 10 weeks early. It was so hard to leave the hospital and leave him there, but my other boys needed me too. I cried because I couldn't kiss my baby better like I did with his brothers and their scratches. And then I felt guilty becauas I was leaving th older two every day to go to the hospital. Every day for 7 long weeks.

the baby is now 3 years old and healthy as can be.

I totally understand the guilt.

JennyMac said...

What a thoughtful post...and love the pics! Glad all is going beautifully.

JoeyRes said...

There is so much guilt when anything goes wrong with a child - I often wondered in the beginning if I did something wrong that made my little girl need hearing aids. It's a great thing when you get past the guilt and are able to appreciate the kids even more for what they've come through.

Melissa @Simply Mel said...

Beautiful pics of your boys. I can't even imagine what that would be like. I was actually a twin and we were born 7 weeks early. Sadly,my identical sister didn't make it. She died 8 days after our birth. We were born at 2 and 3 lbs. I was the 2 pounder! 31 years ago medicine was not what it is today. My mother's doctor didn't know she was having twins until my mom started giving birth! What's sad is twins run in my family and my grandmother kept telling my mom(b/c she was so huge) that she was having twins but the doctor kept saying she wasn't. The hospital we were at in a podunk town in OK wasn't prepared for premature twins. It's easy to blame the doctor for not being prepared but in the end if God's will had been for her to live He would have made it happen. I always wondered what it would be like if my twin had lived. I know your boys will have a special bond and friendship as they grow up. What a blessing!

glenna said...

Thanks for sharing this. I've learned so many things by being involved in SITS.

Heather said...

I love mommy blogs, and the love you have for Jesus and your babies won my heart on the spot!

Hope you enjoy your SITS day and get lots of new followers!

Kimmy C said...

A very heartfelt post. Your boys are beautiful.

Allyson said...

oh my gosh...they are so tiny and so precious!

Pam said...

I can only imagine how difficult it was to have your babies in the NICU. I hope that all continues to go well as your little guys grow.

Janna Bee said...

I can't imagine what it must be like not to take your babies home when they are born. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us.

Tasha - Bellazizas Favorite Things said...

Makes me grateful for healthy children. God bless your boys who will continue to grow strong and healthy!!
Happy SITS day.

Kelly said...

Aww I got teary :o) Praise God your boys look great now.

Sherri @ Luv a Bargain said...

Thank you for reminding everyone to be thankful for all the little things. And to embrace God's plan:)

Annie@A View On Design said...

what a great post, not having had twins, I would have really thought about how the first few months are so hard in NICU because of early birth, thanks for your story, really interesting and I'll def follow your blog now to see how your little fellas go! (sits)

Kelli @ writing the waves said...

Your boys are precious. How difficult those three months must have been for you. We moms feel guilty about EVERYTHING, don't we? Even things that are completely out of our control, but faith gets us through. :)

mellisarock said...

What a great post and while it may be hard to look at those pictures because of the memory of the pulling...those are some beautiful babies. Thanks for reminding me to enjoy life's simple joys!

Melissa aka Equidae said...

mine was only born 2 weeks before so I can say I feel that guilt but reading your post I do thank God for the blessings given to me!

Annie @ astonesthrowfrominsanity said...

Beautiful babies! what a strong lady you are!

Laura said...

Such sweet babies. God has a plan even though we don't always understand what it is.

Anti-Supermom said...

What a great post, something that I'm sure so many are glad that you addressed and shared with us.

Awesome job, they are beautiful.

Congrats on being FB of the day.

Mighty M said...

Such a sweet post - how hard of a time that must have been!

lauren said...

thanks for sharing these personal photos! have a great time with your SITS day!

AmericanTribal said...

You are an incredibly strong person... it must be very difficult to keep your cool in panicky situations (especially when it comes to your own children). I bet God knew how strong you could be when He planned to give you your babies. :)

www.americantribal.blogspot.com

Lacie @ Creative Attempts said...

The fact the you spotlighted this post today was a little startling to me. Because today happens to be the fifth birthday of my little miricle preemie. I have been reflecting alot on those NICU moments so this reflection of yours was so amazing for me to read today. Thank you for sharing your story

Baby News said...

Here from SITS. Wow, I can't imagine what that must have been like. I am forever and every day grateful that my little one was not born early and that he's healthy.

roadrunner201 said...

Thanking God for your little ones. Happy SITS day!

Rook No. 17 said...

Becky, Congrats on your SITS day. Thank you for sharing your joy and your pain with us in such a real and honest way. Your children are beautiful. People magazine did a feature less than a year ago about Preemies as teenagers. They featured a handful of kids that were born very early and it was wonderful to see how successful, robust, talented and healthy they all were as young-adults, despite some of the discouraging prognosees their parents received when they were born.

Jenn @ rookno17.blogspot.com

Zeemaid said...

another great post. (I read them backwards). I had no idea the extent of guilt moms could feel when their child is born premature.

You sound like a very strong woman!

Happy SITS day!

Christina said...

Happy SITS day!

Your boys are adorable and obviously bring you and your husband so much joy. I'm glad they're doing well. :-)

Katie at Minnie Mama's Blog said...

Wow, what an amazing and wonderful story! You are a very strong woman. I am sorry you and your family had to go through all of that, but like you said -- God had a plan and it all worked out just as intended in the end.

Your babies are beautiful! :)

Proper Prim said...

You have the sweetest cutest babies... cherish them... stay strong it will get easier...

Barb said...

So happy that you have been able to work through your feelings. What double blessings they are :)

Leah Rubin said...

Happy SITS Day!

Congrats on the two beautiful boys!

Looking forward to reading more--

Yay!

Mary said...

I had no idea mom's experienced this with preemies. Thanks for sharing your experience.

Happy SITS Day!

ByDSea said...

Very touching post.
Stopping by from SITS!
Cheers!
C

drala625 said...

You are Blessed! Happy Sits Day.

Marilyn (A Lot of Loves) said...

It must have been terribly difficult to watch your children struggling for breath. I'm sorry you felt guilt for something you couldn't control.

Marrdy said...

What a beautifl post. And what handsome sons you have!

jonewman said...

What an amazing Mommy those two beautiful boys have. I can never compare my life with yours, but I do know that Mommy's guilt is universal and you seemed to have handled it with grace...I'm handling it with major hiccups, but learning as I go and grow...Happy SITS day!

K a b l o o e y said...

Your blog design is beautiful and of course so are your boys. This is a valuable post for every mom, since guilt seems to be epidemic among us. How great that you (wisely) got past it and also amazing that you have been able to capture so many day-to-day moments on your blog. Not to mention the fact that you started one with twin 10 month olds in the house! Congrats on your well-deserved SITS day.

teena said...

How precious! Praise the Lord for the health of your two beautiful little boys!
Enjoy your SITS day :)

Amy said...

Wow, what strength you have! I have a friend who was born at about 21 weeks and he is a very strong smart young man. I am sure your boys will be the same. I am sorry to hear about the guilt. I cannot imagine how hard that would be!

Mammatalk said...

Wow! Now, that is a story!

Hoity Toity Baby said...

I had twins and my husband and I were so very fortunate that they were born at 36 1/2 weeks. And each were 6.8 and 6.4. As I left the hospital another mother had twins and as we sat there in our wheelchairs waiting for our husbands to pull the cars up I realized she had no babies in her arms. They were in NICU. At that moment I realized that our story could have been written the same as hers and I too felt guilty and lucky. Guilty that my precious babies were coming home with us and her's were not going home with her. I couldn't imagine leaving the hospital without them in my arms.

Thank you for sharing your story.

Holly said...

Your boys are beautiful. Both my kids were full term,so I cannot imagine the emotions that come with having a preemie...my heart goes out to all who do.
Holly

The Expatresse said...

Your children are beautiful.

It never occurred to me that moms of preemies would feel guilty. I understand now how you might feel that way. I am counting my blessings that my girls had totally uneventful gestations and births . . . thank you for reminding me.

Enjoy your SITS Day, too! :-)

Geeta said...

Stopping over from SITS...

I'm still a ways off from having children of my own, but there's something extremely rewarding in reading about wonderful mothers out there in the world... you're no exception.

Thank you for sharing, and I'm so happy your little bundles are fighters.

Ali said...

Great post! They are simply beautiful!

Stephanie said...

What beautiful babies! This post really struck a chord with me; I spent many nights in the hospital on bed rest cursing my body for failing me. It's a difficult thing to let go of.

Katy and Ross said...

Thank you for reminding us that we all need to be grateful for the little things in life :)

Happy SITS day!

Charlene said...

Greetins from SITS! You and those cuties have certainly been through some tough times... but it sounds like you have a great attitude of gratitude. Thanks for sharing!

Heather said...

Your devotion to God and faith that He has a plan for your life and the lives of your children is an inspiration. Thank you so much for sharing those endearing photos.

Happy SITS day!

Jennifer Haas said...

Happy SITS day. What a great gift you were giving on April 18th. Which is also my moms birthday!!

Momnerd said...

What an absolutely wonderful perspective you have! Thank you so much for sharing. My twins weren't preemies, I remember being so afraid they would be and thankful for each day that they stayed inside. I can only imagine what you went through. I've had two other friends have twin boys that were preemie, one of them lost one, and it just breaks my hard. Our Heavenly Father does have a plan, and every day is a gift to be thankful for.
P.S. Love the music!

Miss Know It All said...

What a blessing! Great post. Happy SITS Day!

2busy said...

Beautiful post!

shortmama said...

So touching!

Baby Sweetness said...

Thank goodness your boys are OK! But don't worry - Mom guilt is universal. If we can't think of something to feel guilty about, our crazy hormones will provide!

Just A Mom (Call me JAM for short) said...

What a wonderful reminder of how precious our children are!

Missy said...

What a beautiful post and a touching reminder that we need to be thankful for the blessings that God has given us.

Happy SITS day!

A Fist Full of Dandelions said...

I can't even imagine how un-nerving it would be to see my little one in the NICU with tube hooked up.

Stopping by from SITS.

Alex said...

You have two beautiful boys there. Congratulations. My third son was in the NICU as well. By an enormous stroke of luck he was able to leave the hospital with us when I went home after my c-section (On Thanksgiving Thursday no less) and I remember bursting into tears when they told me. It's hard to worry about them in there, and I can't imagine what it must have been like for you to have had to leave them there. You are very strong. It certainly does make you thankful when you look at your healthy children!


Alex aka Ma What's For Dinner?

Shaunells Hair said...

Wow--happy SITS day! Your boys are darling and beautiful. It doesn't matter who or what you are--all moms have that certain something-knowing you are holding a precious child of god in your arms at any time is a wonderful blessing. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
http://shaunellshair.blogspot.com

Aleta said...

I don't have children, but your post held a lot of emotion in it. The pictures made me want to cry, so I can only imagine what type of feelings it brings to you.. I never heard of guilt associated with early pregnancies. Thank you for sharing this. It was an eye opener and will help me to be there even more so for friends who go through this.

Stefanie said...

What amazing strength...first to live it...and then to share it (which always makes us relive it again).

Congratulations on 2 absolutely beautiful boys...what wonderful days your family has to look forward to :)

Happy SITS day!

Two Normal Moms said...

Wow - beautiful post. I love that about SITS - you never know what kind of insight into someone else's world you will get a small glimpse of. Your faith is inspiring.
Enjoy your SITS day.
***Ally

Kelly said...

Wow what an amazing post, the pictures our awsome they bring a tear to my eye!! I could not imagine how hard it was on you and your husband you both seem very strong and you appearing to be doing an amazing job!! Happy SITS Day

I Wonder Wye said...

PRECIOUS babies! Hey, I play that tune on the hammered dulcimer!

pk said...

I can't relate to this because I've never been through it, but I can relate to the peace and sense of relief that comes from knowing that God has a plan. So great to be able to trust. I'm sure this post has been so helpful for those going through this.
pk @ Room Remix

Mindi B.A. Bookworm said...

You and your children have come such a long way. My goodness they were so small. Thank you for sharing your story.

Janelle said...

Happy SITS day! I cannot imagin how hard that would be.

Lucy said...

Stopping by from SITS and Wow, what you went through. I am glad to hear they are doing relatively well and I hope they continue on that road.

Kari @ p.s. love.love. said...

It's always interesting to read posts like these to get insight on something many of us will never know. It helps us to understand where a person is coming from. Thank you for sharing.

MommaDJane said...

I started tearing up within the first paragraph and by the end I was having to clear my eyes to continue reading.

This post touched me close at heart b/c my daughter was born with Cerebral Palsy caused from a stroke she had in utero. I have battled major guilt over the past 7 years although I know on the outside there was nothing I could do. Thank you for reminding me, that although we shouldn't beat ourselves up, it is completely normal to at times.

It was nice to hear how strong you are in your faith, I've battled against that with myself at times. Sometimes the anger gets the best of us.

Thank you for sharing your beautiful story!

The Mom @ Babes in Hairland said...

Oh my goodness. Having not ever gone through this, I can't imagine how hard that must have been. But just reading what you wrote made me tear up. I'm glad it is in the past & that the future looks bright. Enjoy your day in the SITS spotlight.

Kristin said...

What a brave strong mommy you are!

greedygrace said...

What a beautiful post! Treasure every day you have!

Young Wife said...

What an incredible story! I am so happy you are trusting God with your situation.