Wednesday, June 30, 2010
He actually consulted with his team of doctors and the NICU neonatologists (same ones who treated the boys) today and they are going to continue to take things a day at a time. Her lack of growth indicates that my placenta is not nourishing her properly. The dopplers also kind of leveled off also which I can't thoroughly explain but they would like there to be more of a variable from what I understand. He thinks I will deliver within days maybe a week but again, no one really knows. I am a bit discouraged that I made it these two weeks and she hasn't shown growth but I know that it gave her lungs more time to mature and I am sure it had other positive affects otherwise they wouldn't want me to see how many additional days I can stay pregnant.
I am pretty drained from the wait today. It was about 3 hours after they told me that I may be delivering that they actually decided that today was not the day. Thankfully, my friend Stacey visited today and we passed the time together talking. Poor Stacey got here when they were taking me down for my ultrasound and I convinced her to come and keep me company. I assured her that the tests were boring and uneventful. Boy, was I wrong today. So we are left to trust in God for the answers. I don't mean to sound like that is a last resort. It is truly what we do every day whether we realize it or not. He is the one with the answers and the one who supplies our strength when we feel completely drained, which is where Jared and I are at. He promises in Isaiah to "renew our strength" and one thing I know beyond a shadow of a doubt is that he keeps his promises.
Please continue to keep us in your prayers. The boys are starting to ask Jared not to leave them in the morning and anytime he is getting ready to leave even when he is taking them with him Alex is saying "Don't leave me". Eli has been telling us he is sad at random times throughout the day and when he visits. Last night when he was leaving the hospital I was standing at the nurses station and waving goodbye to them and he yelled back to me "I miss you so much". Ugh, it broke my heart and left me teary-eyed in front of the nurses. Little booger, any other time I couldn't have paid him to say that! :) Like I said we all need our strength renewed and we cling to God's promise.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
I think what I miss most about being home with Jared, Alex and Eli are all the ordinary moments. This is the hardest part of this journey for me. I call home during the day sometimes and talk to whoever is watching them. I can hear them playing or singing in the background and all I want is to be there to feed them lunch, to break up their fights, to sing and laugh with them. It is very difficult. I tease Jared that if he sees a cab pull up to the house it is me and I have decided to escape the hospital for the night.
Jared and I are both pretty much done with this separation thing. I told him that after this experience I am pretty much never leaving his side for the next 60 years or so. I plan to be a magnet to him every waking second. Luckily for him I will have a newborn and twins interfering with that and he will need to leave me to go to work or else he may grow tired of me being his shadow.
In all honesty I feel blessed to have carried Addison well past what was expected but I also have enough preemie experience to know that I desire to keep her in even longer. Despit that fact, I feel the pull towards home very strongly and some days it feels like it is winning. I talked to my Dr. about a break from this place and unfortunately they no longer do passes. Insurances put the breaks on that b/c they say if you are well enough to go home you are well enough to be discharged. I am bummed but at the same time I know I am in the best place for me and Addison.
Some of the ordinary moments I miss:
*goodnight kisses and songs
*just watching cartoons
*silly smiles while wearing Mama's slippers
*quiet moments of play
*along with the "not so quiet" moments
I know that this is a season and it will pass. In a couple of months our lives will be back to it's somewhat "normal" routine but more importantly I know God has his hand in this an that I have HIS strength to rely on when I feel like mine is gone. Please keep us in your prayers. All continues to go well with my tests and she appears to be a healthy 29 week and 2 day year old! :)
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Our biggest issue now is the blood flow. It is still absent sometimes and that seems to be what will drive their decision towards delivery. The Doctors would all love to see me get to 34 weeks but they also remind me that it is a day to day thing. I continue to have ultrasounds that last anywhere from 40 minutes to 2 hours because they are looking at the blood flow so carefully and checking how much is getting to her brain and organs so this takes time. It is my daily field trip and I am actually thankful for them. On weekends they do them at my bedside and the days kind of drag by because it is not my usual routine.
The boys and Jared just left. They come at least every other day but usually more often. They seem to be adjusting fine. I know God is taking care of them and Jared so that brings comfort. I am definitely struggling more emotionally now than I am physically. Physically I feel fine. I just long to be home with my family. I feel a constant tug between wanting Addison to stay in and grow and wanting to be a Mom to my boys and a wife to Jared. Jared reminds me that I am still those things but it really doesn't feel like it when you are separated from them physically. I have been looking at the boys NICU pictures a lot and that helps me want to keep Addison growing. The boys are so healthy now that I forget from time to time what those first several weeks of their lives was like.
Thankfully I don't have a choice as to when she comes because my emotions mixed with the pregnancy hormones definitely ebb and flow. I am so glad it all rests in my Father's hands.
Hopefully the computer keeps behaving and I don't get blocked out of everything again so that I can continue to update you and tell you about life during hospital bedrest. It has been almost 3 weeks in the hospital and 7 weeks total bedrest. YIKES!
Saturday, June 12, 2010
The additional factors (yes, there are more) are the pre-eclampsia which at this point is still mild. Monday they will run labs and repeat all of the above tests which will give us another picture as to how we will proceed. On Tuesday I will be 27 weeks 2 days which is the day in my pregnancy with Alex and Eli that I delivered. Knowing that gives me mixed emotions. It was such a difficult road but they came through it so beautifully. I would love to delay the birth for weeks and so far I've made it but it is a rollercoaster ride to say the least. Thankfully I know that God holds my tomorrow not all of the tests and their results.
Jared is holding up and so are the boys. I miss my babies but see them almost daily. We are hanging in there with the help of so many of our loved ones. I will update with more results Monday evening I am assuming.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
On a more positive note. My labs are good and so is my blood pressure. I am feeling good and am not showing any of the more serious sides of the pre-e. I would still love to hit at least 30 weeks which would be 3 weeks from Sunday. Jared told me I should stick to my original goal and I love that he even suggested it because it does encourage me. I don't know. I am not clear on what God is asking of me in that department but I do know that I need to take a day at a time and today Addison is growing inside of me and she stayed put 4 weeks longer than they originally thought she would.
Another amazing thing is that she had lung function yesterday at 26 weeks 2 days. The U/S tech was really surprised and at the u/s I had today they said they don't usually even look for that until over 30 weeks. Since yesterday I was also able to recieve both rounds of the steroid that will further help her development. There are definitely positives mixed in with all of the junk. I still cling to the fact that God already knows what is going to happen and He has always known. That is such a comfort to me. I pray that I can keep in this mindset because let's face it Satan is good at changing my focus. I go from having days of complete rest in God to a moment of doubt that can feel disabling.
Thank you so much to everyone who is helping my family out. It is humbling and overwhelming. Thanks for all of the support and prayers. If you are trying to reach me by e-mail I cannot access my hotmail account from here but I can access my google account which is firstname.lastname@example.org and I would LOVE to hear from you. I have adorable new picture of our Addie girl but I cannot access my flickr account here either so the latest ultrasound pics will have to wait. There is a part of me who can't wait to see her in person however I would rather wait patiently for several more weeks :)
Friday, June 4, 2010
Could you die? This kid cracks me up. This particular day a month or so ago Alex woke up before Eli and we were playing play-doh at the table and listening to music when he decided he needed to ROCK! He disappeared into his room and emerged, my little rock star. :)
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
We had a very nice day and Jared made my birthday special as always. Nani and Papa brought over some cake and ice cream which thrilled the boys. Eli refused to admit that it was my birthday all day long. I told him it was Mommy's b-day and he kept saying "no, it's Eli's birthday". He FINALLY said "Happy Birthday Mom" when he realized he was about to get a piece of cake. They also sang to me. It was really sweet, even when they sang the version that they learned from "Madagascar" which includes "you look like a monkey AAAAAND you smell like one too". I spent my birthday feeling very thankful for the friends and family that God has given me. Having my little family of 5 around the table and singing to me was extra special this year.